Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend~

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I am not sure if the problem is you or everything is just all because of my bitterness in happy happenings in general and not just on your current happy disposition–you being happy with your newly-found and well-established lovelife. You having that defined relationship–a state I never got to experience with the 4 people I had ever been with previously and you getting it once you tried to check if the clicks with this person was working. And when it did click and made things work out, you are not anymore the best friend I have ever had.

You’ve changed. I’m not even sure if you’re still my friend now. Not only you’re rarely available for me but also you make it seem as if you don’t need me anymore.

I remember before when you were always there. You always knew when I was not feeling good and you were always there to the rescue, saying the right words and giving me the warm comfort. Or at random, you would give me that face as if you find me irresistible or go gooey on me and be clingy like hell. Or the good friend who would always invite me out to do something new or something ordinary. Now all of those are gone.

When was the last time you asked me to come with you? When was the last time you opened up to me and showed me a little piece of what you’re actually feeling? When was the last time you asked how I was? When was the last time I received a warm hug from you–or the time you went touchy feely on me? When was the last time you cared? When was the last time you were a friend to me?

Please answer all of my questions ’cause I don’t even remember the answers to those questions I laid out for you. It seems like I’ve lost the friend whom I thought would be the most loyal and faithful to me. I wish I had known earlier that all it takes for our friendship to end was you having an actual lover.

I liked you better before. I liked you before. I loved you as my best friend. Now, you’ve changed and I don’t even know you anymore. I need you now more than ever but there you are being a stranger to your best friend.

Cooperate, yes?

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It’s funny sometimes how life plays tricks on you. Like one day aimlessly hoping for self to move on already from the past someone who left you hanging, telling self that the person doesn’t even care about you anymore and the like. And then having that person check on your “safety” given the flooding and the nonstop downpour of the heavy rain the next day. Having you to talk about something you have strong feelings for.

I thought for a moment there that we were gonna go back to what was… But then I just forgot to remind self that he really doesn’t care anymore and have no idea why he checked up on me. I don’t know if it should gladden me that you are still somehow concerned or sicken me by thought of you making your existence felt just at this moment in time.

Why do you keep your presence felt when I tell self that it is just about good that I start to forget everything about you. You just suddenly appear and have me rethink and lose the battle in making myself believe that I don’t like you anymore. That I don’t love you any longer.

How hard it is to stay away from me if you don’t want to be part of my life for like the rest of forever and same as be with me always and all throughout if you want to spend the rest of forever in my arms? You have no idea how hard the situation is on me. So please please please cooperate.

One Wish

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Looking forward to the day…

That my heart won’t feel a thing, not even a tiny twitch in my heart, when your name is called, when I see your status updates on my news feed, when I see you flirting around, when I feel your happiness (that is not caused by me). Not even a single blink. Am waiting for that day to come that finally, the angst has gone and I welcome indifference.

Waiting for the time to come that literally ALL of my feelings for you have gone. For real and for good. For the moment when I can no longer write about you just because there is nothing more to express.

Kindly come sooner.
Thanks.

Because I’m so tired already and I want to put a stop to all this. But then, it seems that I just can’t. Help.

Love,
Me

Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry.

A Letter to You

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Dear You,

I’ve been wondering if you even realize how lucky you are to have someone like me to be concerned about you. It just rarely crosses my mind if you ever think about me the same way–which doesn’t look like it, btw.

So anyway, hi. Do you know how much I hate you at this point in time? You may be wondering how this has come to this state. Let me enlighten you. First, you made me believe that you still liked me even after everything that happened over the summer. With all the uncertainty that I was feeling, you assured me that we will get better. Well, fuck you cause we didn’t. We’re not fucking better. I told you that you shouldn’t promise me this silly thing and you told me that it was okay because we were gonna make it happen. I thought that you were gonna put in some extra effort. But you didn’t. I hoped. Expected, even. But nothing happened. I just ended up being disappointed. As always. What made this worse was when we met up and you invited me to your apartment. You were once again going sweet on me. Telling me things you didn’t care to share before. Being so open and vulnerable with your issues. Emotional connection, not of romance, finally but of something deeper. A little sense of touch. Caressing my hair. Playing footsie with me. And accompanying me back to UP. One of the best moments that we had, I must say. Then after that day, telling me that we were gonna talk that Monday. You forget everything about that. In that instance, I felt like you didn’t give importance on that defining talk. Like as if it was just nothing. Or on second thought, you could have actually remembered it but then didn’t have the guts yet again to talk to me about it. I felt like it was very easy for you to disappoint me. You could do it with ease and without guilt. You do know that peace of mind was stolen from me. Stolen from you. Stolen from both of us. Yet you didn’t bother talking to me about it and just resorted to “Come what may” on when the talk should be. I felt so disappointed. So unimportant. So uncared for. So worthless. You’ve made me feel a thousand wondrous things then make me feel a million pieces shattered. That’s how incredible you are. Thanks.

That was the first. I tried to stop the hate and just again go with the flow. Accept your invites to lunch even if that mere act breaks my heart into million pieces every single time. Imagine how I’m supposed to feel that we are eating together just like the old times but knowing that things are different now. How weird. How painful. How painful to see your hand and it being not intertwined with mine. Hurts so bad. Like one of the worst feelings ever. I just couldn’t… I could have said no to your invites, I know but there was a part of me that waited for you to actually talk to me about things. But then I still ended up waiting for nothing. I guess I’m just waiting in vain for your love.

But then, the worst has yet to come. This defining day–almost. This day that made me want to eat, puff and smoke, drink, and eat the pain away. Tried to do away with it but just couldn’t. You may not know how much this has impacted me but here, let me help you. On this certain day, 9th of July, my shattered heart was again crushed and pounded enough until it was no longer capable of feeling anything happy. Of anything but sadness, frustration, and being broken. That day, I cried myself to sleep. I was reminiscing the good times–looked at past conversations, happy pictures, and remembered all the wonderful moments. Did that for hours straight that it got me to missing you a whole lot. Add to that the fact that I haven’t talked to you in days. So there I was, feeling the desperation and pouring my heart out to you by sending you a text message saying how bad I miss you. That gesture was so not me–being the unexpressive and never the one who said that first without being sure of the other’s reply. But I really did that. Yup, such a shameless thing to do, self. Sent that message and continued to cry myself to sleep. I wasn’t really waiting for a reply when the sun came up. Or not. Probably, there was a part of me that was wanting (and maybe, needing) for you to go to the nearest convenience store and have your prepaid card reloaded for credits so that you’d be able to reply to that message. But no, you didn’t. I just comforted myself that you might not have enough money to do so or maybe, you didn’t even receive the message. Got over that for a little while. But things got way out of hand when I was with a group of orgmates and the topic of “we” was brought up. The orgmate who’s also your housemate told the other people that there is no more we. That it is over. We are over. I asked him where he got this news. He told me that there’s nothing to hide since they talk all day everyday. At that moment, I felt betrayed, sad, and broken. Yup, those three all at once. How dare you define what we are to other people and not me. How fucking dare you?! Guess what I felt after just having had told you that late night confession in which nothing was held back. The pain–I just can’t put into words. All I know is that it is excruciatingly painful. That I know this pain made me hate you even more. That this pain entails me not talking to you ever and not having you as my and me as your friend.

These are just some of the may things that made me hate you. Things that made all those sweet stuff go away and have just the bad memories to retain. I don’t want to cite exhibits of other events as I don’t want to mix this personal issue that we have. Or that I have on you, rather. With the org stuff that we’re supposed to be handling. Hey, Mr. President maybe you’ve also forgotten that you have been elected as the head of the organization and that you’re supposed to work your ass. Okay, I’m gonna stop now. As I’ve said, I don’t want to have these two (entirely) different things to mix up. And there’s no point in saying all of these things anyway because you don’t give a damn. You just don’t care, do you? Oh wait, you do. But all you care about is yourself. You fucking douchebag. I gave you all the love and understanding that you (said you) needed. And you’re gonna pay me with this. How very kind of you. Thank you very much for your time. I hope you find your happiness with the kind of attitude and outlook that you have.

Oh, you might be curious. I have no plans on getting back together or being friends or whatever of that like. I’m just so tired of putting up with you and your excuses. I’m done with you.

Good luck. Goodbye.

P.S. Sorry for being a coward and not being able to let you read what is supposed to be gotten across. Of what is really addressed to you. I guess I’m nearly as coward as you are.

Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry.

Only in My Mind

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In my mind, you expressed whatever it was that you were feeling (and is still feeling). In my mind, you replied to that heartfelt text message of something that assured me of same sentiments still–cried to that message and felt thankful that I hit “send.” In my mind, you said yes to that favor, gave your best shot, and actually gave me something. In my mind, we actually talked about things and settled all of our issues. In my mind, you are regretful of whatever that wasn’t done and wishes that you could turn back time. In my mind, you can’t push me out of your mind and heart and wish that things have turned out differently. In my mind, you’d never stop trying and caring. In my mind, you wouldn’t like anyone else but me. In my mind, we are (and still are getting) better.

But all these are ONLY in my mind, that is. Because in my mind, I still have feelings for you and I’m still waiting for you to come around. And we’ll probably get stuck with that for like forever.

Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry.

“GAHD IM SO FUCKING MAD AT YOU”

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I don’t have anything left for you. Nothing. You’ve used up the overflowing patience and understanding that I had been giving you without even investing on something new. You didn’t even bother to replenish that thing. Didn’t even give a fuck on how I would feel about you doing that. Not a single fuck. Not giving the proper closure that I needed and wanted for keeping the happy things in good state and not tarnished with all the angst that I’m feeling. And with that, everything has been depleted now. All gone.

Now, I have nothing left for you. Goodbye.

Please don’t go, baby.

That’s what courage has been wanting to make me say and act out but cowardice is just so dominating in me that it seems to be indomitable. Sooo maybe, I should let myself bask in this weakness. Not let me talk to you forever, I guess. So please talk to me before the day ends. Before I do something really crazy. Something that I will probably regret in the future. Something that might help me get over you. Something you hopefully regret… Something. Please stop me and talk to me in like NOW.

A VERY PATHETIC ME

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Once More, with Feeling!

Once More, with Feeling! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In about nine days, my existence here in the world is going to get a year older (and wiser, I hope). For some reason, I am very scared for this day to come. Not eager but more of anxious. It is the first time that I feel this, having the usual feeling of excitement for the day to come knowing that happiness is about to come my way. This time, it is different. Very different to the point that I want the clock to stop ticking so that my day would not come to me at my current state. I do not want to feel pathetic on my special day.

Birthday celebrants are supposed to feel special on their own days, right?

I cry as I type this knowing that I may not experience the feeling of being special. The feeling of being loved by everybody else. I just wish that when that day comes, I forget that that is supposed to be a special day of mine. Regard it as just an ordinary day and feel less pity for myself. Because, really. There is nothing to look forward to. I am so pathetic. I feel so depressed right now. I hate how things are going right now. I just cannot seem to cope with things–new things that I did not expect to come along this soon.

I wanna feel better but I do not know how. I do not like this feeling. Help me push this out. Happiness, come at me. NOW.

  • Feel it. (divinediscoveries.wordpress.com)

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You may have been a bad investment in the sense that I didn’t get to keep you forever but I am still very thankful that I gave us a shot. Now, I learned how to love even more. Giving a part of yourself without expecting anything in return. You taught me how to love selflessly–how to put you before anything my pride and comfort.

I guess next time, I’ll be more able to maneuver things and handle relationships well. Better, I hope. We had such a wild ride. Thanks and bye.