He texted. Teehee. So was it a sign that I could still keep on hoping for him?
You didn’t text me first yesterday… I felt sad. I was waiting for you to text me even if I already had a message saved in my drafts to text you with. Waiting from the morning until the clock struck nine o’ clock. Since I gave myself that “deadline”, I texted you. You replied right away. I didn’t know if that was something that I should be happy or sadder about. You had credits to text me with but you didn’t. Also, you ended our conversation first like you didn’t feel like talking to me anymore. I expected you to text me in the morning or once you finished doing what you were doing but you didn’t.
And I have no idea why. Or maybe, I do. I just can’t accept the truth to myself… yet.
Well, not yet. Not just fucking yet.
Has she come back? Is she giving you more attention now than ever? Are you having a fucking relapse? Or… have you just realized how boring and messed up I am as a person (and don’t want anything to do with me)?
Excuse my insecurities but these are what seriously have been bugging my mind. These questions I am seeking for answers… These questions that might put an end to all these what seems so nonsense.
Oh, yes. In every happy story, there must is always the big but.
Well, in this case, I am really worried. Fucking anxious about it.
Here’s the sitch: You used to like this someone, who doesn’t seem to like you back or doesn’t show any interest, that is. This someone goes away from your life. You realize that you have to move on and find someone new. And when you actually meet this other person, everything is going well; you two are getting along and are probably getting there already… until you learn that the old love is making her presence felt and coming back to your life. What would you do?
Would you go back with your one true love or move on with your new someone?
I was faced with this question just a year ago. What did I do? I moved on with someone new. It was probably one of the worst decisions I ever made–I just felt used and somehow still regretful, the very things I wouldn’t want to feel.
But if this happens at this very moment, what would I do?
I remember telling myself then that when this happens again, I would choose him, the love of my life. But something’s telling me that this time, I should carry on. Isn’t it annoying that he always come for me just too late or too early? If he really wants and loves me, he will come to me at the right time–just at the moment when nobody wants me, when there’s no competition. There is a part of me saying that he only wants the thrill that the competition brings. I don’t know.
Now, if ever this happens again, I would choose to go and get a move on.
But since this is also likely to happen with the other person involved now, I have no idea what he would do. I just hope that he wouldn’t be a coward and choose what is more convenient to him (that is, to choose me because he is sure that I like him more than the original person likes him).
On the other hand, if he chooses her, I would feel really terrible and awful given the situation now that I really like him and I can actually see a future with him already.
I just hope that he does the right and true thing, whatever that will be in this case.
- I always visit your online sites (Facebook, WordPress, Listography, etc)
- I think that every girl who talks to you very so often and intently is a slut, or put mildly, a flirt
- I go through our chat history every so often whenever I feel like I miss you and want to talk to you
- I got happy that you wanted me to meet your imaginary friend
- I think of you when I watch romantic movies
Person 1: I’ve had a boyfriend who only used me. That’s what I’m thinking. We were never really able to watch a movie together because everytime that we did, we were just doing it for an extreme makeout and touching of private parts session. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to trust a guy again…
Person 2: How do you know he only wanted to be with you for that stuff? It’s natural if you’re physically attracted to someone and in a relationship with them to want to do physical stuff. Were you ever against that stuff you were doing? Did you ever talk about it? If not, then you can’t assume he’s only used you. If so, then you may be right, but it doesn’t mean you can’t trust again. I know it’s hard, but you have to have faith. Get to know someone really well before trusting them and see where it leads.
Don’t let one jerk stop you from living x
Person 1: Re boyfriend who only used me: I’m thinking that because he kind of “fell out of love” with me when he started getting close and attracted to this another girl, who fyi has bigger boobs. He chose her over me. I was hurt. And still hurting. Also, I was against those physical stuff. He asked me; but I said that it was okay for I was scared. Anyway, I love your last advice. I will. Thank you very much! xxx
Person 2: I don’t think it’s possible to ‘fall out of love’ with somebody.. You either always love somebody or you never did.. That’s just a personal opinion.. I’m sorry you had to go through such a painful experience, nobody deserves to be put through that. But I’m sure you’ll come out of it much stronger, don’t let him break your trust for other guys and don’t ever do anything that you feel uncomfortable with.. Glad I could help 🙂 x
*I have italicized parts of the conversation which have had a very strong impact on me. As you can see, almost all that she said have affected me. They are very relevant and enlightening.
Okay. I have issues–trust issues, in particular. I have mentioned this before and what caused this was me being left for other people a lot of times already. Being walked out on once is hurtful. Twice is bullshit. Thrice is what-the-heck, there must be something wrong with me. Fourth is I don’t know anymore. But some complete utter askljhdf;
The love of my life was the third one to leave me hanging. I don’t even remember why it happened. Oh yeah, he wasn’t ready. Now, I remember. He said that I was going way too fast and he couldn’t keep up with me. And so he left. I was alone, keeping up with the fast pace of life.
With that, I met the fourth guy. Our
relationshit, sorry, I meant relationship was the shallow one–the one that just sought for companionship. It was the one that was powered by hormones, revenge, and shitty emotions. I knew from the start that it wasn’t real (or probably just to me) and always thought that the previous one would always be the love of my life. Hmm, let’s say that number four was just a good past time. Though, of course, I didn’t let him know that. He even talked about forever… Also, that was also one thing that I could spare him for saving me from an emotional wreck caused by the love of my life. And so when we were still together, that special person suddenly came into the picture again, trying to win me back. I refused his offer. I just couldn’t let the then-present guy have a heartache after the salvation he’d given me. But when all of the relationship’s kernel of power had been used up, the time-up bell rang for our affair. It was soon over.
I had regrets for not accepting the LOML’s proposal. I just let it go… And that I think will be my forever enslaving experience. It was only him whom I trusted fully, whom I’ve shown the entirety of my personhood to, and whom I thought I was gonna spend forever with. And what hurt (fyi, still hurts) the most is the fact that we couldn’t make things work out when we both know that the feeling of love we have for each other is very much mutual.
It sucks. Yesterday, I just came to the conclusion that I will only be able to be open with and trust someone again if I will be able to redeem myself with you–if we finally enact the what-might-have-been if only I agreed that night from a year ago. I am not so sure but that is what I think it is. I will never be able to entirely like someone new and stop comparing that person to you… Well, not unless if we try again and make things right.
But looks like all these are impossible now.
I don’t know.
And I actually almost did.
I have brought up a lot of times already how I hate it when I have my hopes up for something really good just to find out that that something is not bound happen. Seriously, NOT EVER. It just gets up to my nerves; and I become so frustrated and agitated!
Yesterday was a very happy day. Got a random phone call from him. I pressed the “Yes” button to the question that asks if I should answer the call or not. I was nervous–very anxious and eager at the same time. Taking a deep breath, I said, “Hello.” And that started everything that happened the other day. So after the very random phone call, I composed a message to be sent to him. But as I was typing the text message, there he was again, calling… I answered it again. Another random and soupy conversation, yet again. Of course, that is what to expect from you. I remember clearly that we just had countable serious talks, the details of which I will never ever forget.
And so we exchanged text messages for a pretty long time. Had casual gestures of flirtations, some reminiscing of good times, and a whole lot more. I thought at that moment that you had gone back to save me. You went back for me again. But this time, with the plans of staying for good. That was what I thought and hoped for…
It was so wrong of me to have that thought and have actually entertained that and let it through me. I imagined a future with you again. Just to find out that there is a high probability that you’re not even thinking it. I went to your Wall and saw this girl, whom I have a hunch that you like and likes you back. Looks like you have this type of special connection already.
I thought we still have that special something only we can have…
I thought. I hoped.
It’s in the nature of people to be hopeful. But then when what they are looking forward to is not deemed to happen, they mope about it and feel so empty afterwards. Looks like thoughts and hopes are just for nothing.
Not. But there’s still something new to it, right? Who changed her blog URL? I did~
Why? Because I was too paranoid that someone whom I know might be aware of the existence of this supposedly-secret blog. Definitely a scary thought to enter my mind for all the entries written in this thing is typed down and expressed as if NO ONE will ever get to read this, i.e., aside from me, of course.
Now, I’m free as a bird!
Turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it’s just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
OPEN UP MY EAGER EYES
‘Cause I’m Mr. Brightside.
I get jealous easily when it comes to a lot of things that vary. Name them all–friends, crushes, special someone, sisters, etc. FRIENDS. I’m having sort of some grudge and sad feelings inside when I see that I’m losing a very close friend to another. I just think that we could have been the one in that situation but can’t put to mind the reason why it is otherwise.
Okay, I am so not in the mood to elaborate on things. What I want to rant out is that I AM JEALOUS. So fucking jealous right now!
I currently have a crush on this someone whom I feel who likes me back, too. I even think that he likes me more than I like him. But turns out things aren’t that way… Or I don’t know. It’s just that I miss him…
All I want right now is to be able to talk to him–be it in person, in text messaging, or even just in chat. But he’s not here, not texting, and not even online. Why is this when he is almost online for the rest of the day. How come he’s online when I’m not and vice versa. Why is it so unfair.
And when I backread his posts, none of them even hinted that he misses me too. 😦 Well, except for one where I am just merely assuming. I saw a status post wherein he put, “I love you ***** hihihihi” but then commented a disclaimer saying that he had been hacked. I don’t even know if those 5 asterisks stand for the five letters of my name. Maybe, maybe not. At first, I got happy and thought that it was really for me but then I realized that we didn’t really got to talk the other day when the status was posted. That’s why it couldn’t stand for the five letters of my name. It was probably for another person’s or something that has no meaning…
And now he’s online but he’s not even talking to me.
Please stop being a jealous and whiny bitch already, will you?