Right now, I am not having enough encouragement to push through with this journey on finding my way to you. Though I don’t really know if I have already met you or not, it doesn’t even matter anymore. I just feel so tired and hopeless. It feels like my being nonconformist is taking me to a higher level–when everyone else is having a booming lovelife, here I am left with this shit. When all of the people around me are starting to find the special people in their lives, here I am being left hanging by the person whom I like. When all of the couples who used to be not officially together (that I know of) all of a sudden become in a relationship, here we are “giving each other some time to think.” Here I am left with this pain and left with nothing good. I don’t even know why I’m telling you all these because I do not have the certainty that you are him. Yes, you might be him. But if you aren’t, please don’t get jealous that I am getting depressed and all this shitty because of him and over this. I just want to relate to you whatever I’m feeling right now by letting you know the current situation of my hopeless adventure into finally meeting you.
I’ve been dying to meet you but the pain in my heart and the sadness that I’m feeling right now are just becoming too much to handle that they make me want to rest for a while and stop walking towards you. Not like forever, you silly. But just for a while until I make myself ready for the shit again. I’m sorry if this seems like I’m giving up on you or whatever but I’m really not. I’m just letting my heart and mind have a rest from everything. When I’m ready, I’ll be on the go again. I promise.
It’s just that sometimes, I ask myself if the dark days are really worth having just to find my way to you. I know it is. But maybe, just not now. Maybe, I am just tired of experiencing the short good times in exchange of the dreadful days when everything is over. I am just so frustrated that a lot has happened already–a lot of guys I’ve been with and whom I thought who were actually you at one point or another and a bountiful of emotions invested on these different people. These experiences and these people make me feel so discouraged that meeting you is such a dream that is not going to actuate into reality. Your entity. There’s something inside of me that wants to know if you even exist which makes me even more frustrated knowing that I (well, we both) do not have the means of doing so.
Hey, I know that you are definitely worth the wait. And I know you exist and are terribly perfect for me (as I am for you). But can you just please come sooner and ease the pain already?
P.S. I love you so much. Like forever.