For some reason, I really feel unappreciated. Yup, that’s right, it’s not even about being under-appreciated but really unappreciated flat out. I don’t know if I think too highly of myself that I need to have that feel of appreciation, or atleast the feeling that someone is grateful that I am around. But somehow, I find it necessary. What’s the point of being around when my existence in (or anywhere near) your life does not have a good impact on you–sort of me doing you no good? Nothing. Utterly pointless. Because to be honest, I feel unimportant in your life. It’s like I don’t have any contribution to the happiness you’re feeling nor I am somehow able to ease your pain whenever you’re feeling down. Useless efforts. Makes me feel like I’m wasting my time and effort on someone who doesn’t even acknowledge the stuff that I put in line for this shit to work. Makes me want to rethink things and makes me want to spend time with people who have always been there for me since forever instead. Suddenly, I feel guilty for always choosing to be with you instead of spending some quality time with my friends.
And you know what’s scary about this? It’s the fact that if I start to feel this way, I go far far far awaaaaay and get closer to detachment. Hello, goodbye. And at this point in time, where I am super attached to you, it would be so fucking painful.
Sometimes, it makes me wonder what keeps this going. Is it because it’s something that you’ve gotten used to already over the past few months or is it because you genuinely enjoy every little thing of it? Just so you know, with whatever you’re showing me right now, the answer is leaning towards the former. And I don’t knoooooow. I don’t really want to think about it even if I seriously should.
Think. Think. Think.
And yes, I do not have the balls to post this somewhere you can actually read this by chance. Well, not now. Maybe, sometime in the future… I don’t know. I just wanna feel better soon, please.