Yup, this is what I was doing, instead of studying for my major exam, I was thinking about this. Of all things, THIS. WHY.
So as you can see in my list, he is a personality-filled person. I like how he is as a person. However, if you take a look at the con side, he is not very gifted with the earthly things that I look for in a guy. It is very shallow, I know. It’s hard for me because I’ve created this very ideal guy in my head. The perfect guy. The Mr. Darcy type. ARGH. He’s the one who has the money, the personality, the looks. You name it, he’s got it. Everything.
I know that he might not exist in real life. Yes, still holding on to the possibility that he is somewhere out there. But I’m still hoping. The probability of his existence is very low, though. Thus, I settle for people at times. And this is the reason why I made this list. I know I shouldn’t be making a big deal out of this in the first place but I gotta be careful this time considering all of the things that have happened to my lovelife in the past. I don’t want it to be careless mistake again. I want it to be something that I really considered and thought about.
Okay, maybe my defenses are this high up now. I don’t want to end up being hurt again. The emotional stress that I have right now is very minimal and that’s all I can take right now if I have to do a lot of academic- and org- related activities.
My friends are seeing the positive change in me when I decided to let go of my emotional advocacy and focus on other things. But since things have to be complicated, they are coming back yet again. I don’t know if I can fight this feeling. Or if I should fight this feeling in the first place.
I’M JUST SCARED OF BEING CRUSHED INTO PIECES… AGAIN.
I find your personality very attractive and magnetic. The good things that you do or show to me, I don’t know if that’s how you really are as a person or if you’re implying motives of liking me. I don’t really know. I don’t want to overthink, really. But this is what all this is making me. OR I DON’T KNOW IF ALL THIS GOODNESS YOU SHOW ME IS BECAUSE I REMIND HER OF YOU. That could be the worst thing ever. Seriously.
I think that I should stop this nonsense. This just takes up my time. If there’s really something, I’m sure that he will make a way to let me feel it. Not implicitly but explicitly.
For now, I shall act normal. Go with the flow and mind my own business. Like study.