A: Hey, are you okay?
B: Uhm, yeah
A: You sure?
B: Hmm prolly just feeling a little sad…
A: What’s wrong? You can tell me
B: I just feel sad but I really don’t know why…
This usually happens when I feel sad and when people ask about it. I just say that I’m feeling a little gloomy without knowing the very reason behind it. But I’ve been thinking a while ago that maybe, I do; but I just don’t want to let that person know what the real reason is. Maybe, I’m ashamed that what I’m feeling sad about is something that my friend finds shallow and shouldn’t be given that much attention, anyway. But I don’t know. I’d rather say that I don’t know the reason behind it and say that it’s weird feeling that way and ask if that person ever feels the same way, too. And boom, that person has felt it, too and just leaves it like that.
Just a little thought. I think I know why I feel sad. It is obviously something that has happened earlier or way before and remembered it minutes earlier or something like that. I almost always say that I don’t know because I’m too tired to pinpoint what the exact reason is. And probably, too afraid that by knowing the reason, the bad vibe would just be aggravated.
I have abandonment issues.
There, I said it. Typed it, rather. I’m just scared that people who are currently in my life make me too happy but there still comes a time when they all have to leave–either intentionally or not. I don’t know but I’ve been left a lot of times already: left with a goodbye or left hanging… It is one of the most painful things in the world eveerrr. Seriously.
OKAY. I’m scared that the next special person who’s gonna come into my life will just go away easily after telling me that he won’t. I don’t know if I should believe the words that he’ll tell me or not. I don’t know if I should still give a crap on listening to him. It sucks that I’ve been waiting for things to happen in my life, but I don’t get to enjoy whatever that is for I’m too scared that it would just stop and travel into the nothingness. I’m too worried that all these would eventually come to an end.
All these can be tracked down to my past love lives. I was left hanging. I was left for another girl. I was left for a good reason. I was left for a lot of times for different reasons.
And after all those, I’m still hoping that someone would just walk into my life and change everything; take away the things that make me terrified; assure me that he will never be like those others and will actually be it. It–the person who will make me happier and will take me to my happiest and will be forever by my side; not leave me eveeer.
I thought that there was a chance for this friend to be that person… but today, I’ve found out that he was to be with this another girl… Maybe, it’s not him. Maybe, it’s not our time.
I don’t know.
I hate it when I get my hopes up for something even if I just think about it for a second or two and find out that something will not work out the way I wanted it to. God, help me. I don’t know what to expect anymore. I just want to go with the flow and not expect anything. But the problem is, the last time I did that, I still got hurt. Even worse is I feel (yes, still feeling) heartless…
I’m just sad that he might not be the person I thought he would…
I really don’t know what to expect. Please keep me distracted with the good things. I will appreciate it very much if you do. Thank you!