To the person I used to talk to almost every minute of every day for nearly six months. Half a year. Wow, I’ve never imagined that that would’ve lasted that long. That full of crap… To the person I’ve judged prematurely. Whom I really didn’t trust. And didn’t open up to. Imagine, in that span of almost half a year, I couldn’t say that you’ve known me enough–or have known me (read: the real me, that is) at all.
I don’t know.
Or maybe, I do now. Okaaayy. So this:
I’m sorry. The person you met wasn’t me. That time, I was seriously in some deep shit. I know I shouldn’t have entertained you in the first place. Shouldn’t have exchanged with you those flirty gestures. Honestly, I just wanted the feeling that you were giving to me at that time. The chills. The thrills. The feeling that makes those butterflies roam around in my stomach. The feeling that someone makes me happy. That someone likes me. That someone cares about me. I wasn’t ready yet but you made me feel so good.
I am in love in the concept of being in love. I just… wow. I think that my whole world revolves around it. That without it, my life has no meaning.
At that time, you were the closest thing to it. So I just had to go and grab it.
Take the chance. With you. Even if I knew that it wouldn’t be a forever kind of thing, I still went for it ’cause it was there up for grabs. Couldn’t blame me after going through some shitty love problems, could you? Or not. I don’t know.
Well, I’m blabbing now. All I wanted to say is this:
I am sorry.
I wasn’t the real me when you and I had that thing going. I did not open up to you, if you noticed. I did not trust you. From the very beginning, I knew that you would do something like cheat on me or leave me hanging somewhere or something like that. And yeah, you actually proved me right. Thanks for that. Hope my sarcasm reaches your dense mind.
It could be my fault, why you left. I wasn’t being real. I was being too submissive. I didn’t really give a damn. I was skeptic. And didn’t believe in any thing that you said… I’m sorry.
If you met me at the time when I were fine, would things be different? Would they be better? I don’t really know. Seems like you don’t even wanna know about that anymore. You seem happy now. Just a little sensitivity on my feelings though, bastard. Thanks.
And yeah, I was still in love with him the time we had our thing. Also, you were the very first person whom I told, “I love you”. I didn’t mean it, though. I’m sorry.
All the things I did for you… All out of pressure. Not out of love or anything. I’m sorry.
Probably also the reason why I didn’t really transform into an animal and ripped my heart out when you left me for her. I was guilty, too. You were honest. I wasn’t.
Been wondering why you left me for her, though. Was it because she’s more beautiful? Bullshit. I know I am more beautiful and more sophisticated. Because, she has big boobs? And mine is nearly inexistent? Probably. Lol. Was it because I never decide for anything? Or I always want you to do the first move? What? Wish you could’ve told me the real reason behind that…
It’s just weird that we got into a level of closeness that is really different. To the point that we almost did it. I considered it, actually. Fyi.
What’s done is done. I don’t really need your explanations. I’ll prolly just keep wondering… WHY?
I know that in life, you don’t get all the things you want. All the explanations you need to get the clear version of a story. Sometimes, people don’t give it to you. They resort into that selfishness. And you just gotta have to give it to yourself to have some peace of mind. Now, I think I’d do that.
I know you don’t have a chance of getting to read this. But maybe, just maybe. You’ll end up reading this. Well, here’s all of it. And I just want to tell you that I’m sorry. I really am. Hope that deep in your heart, you get to forgive me for all the bullshit I let you believe in.